the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
