I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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