All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
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But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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