i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
Moan for me like Helen Keller
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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