who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Randomize
