Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
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