i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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