How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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