You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
