ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
What drink are we having for lunch?
You have to summon your inner elephant
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
