anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
