the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.