Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize