Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
