I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
