hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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