I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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