Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
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