fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
