Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
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