Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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