Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
