Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
