you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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