cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
