hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
