I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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