people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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