I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
