think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
