My room smells like vodka and shame
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
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Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
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I tried to put my heels in the coat check
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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