Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
