Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
