she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
