BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
