Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
