I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Randomize
