At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
