he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
