I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Nobody cheats on THIS.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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