I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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