My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Randomize
