i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
we should paint friendship bongs
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
