it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
