pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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