Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
