i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
i drank out of a bidet.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
