Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
