If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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