Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
