if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
