I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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