he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
