It's like God shit irony all over that family
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
