I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Randomize
