My friends, they love my intelligence
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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