do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
