I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
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